I wrote most of this post while I was in the U.S., waiting for my new visa. While I had an idea of what I wanted to say, it took a lot of reorganization and editing so that it wouldn’t just be rambling. It still is mostly rambling, but if my dad can read it, I hope he kind of can understand what I’m saying.

***

I usually write from China, where I live, but now I’m on the other side of the world (literally! The East Coast of the U.S. is 12 hours behind Beijing, at least during Daylight Savings). My dad is grilling me about my time in China — Why did I choose to go? What have I learned? What do I want to get out of it? Do I have any regrets about spending the last four years of my life there? — and I honestly don’t know what to say. Even though these are perfectly valid questions, and ones that I’m constantly reevaluating in my head, I have this defensive instinct to become annoyed when my dad is asking these kinds of introspective questions and I just get really choked up, so in the end I always have to find a way to dodge the question or eke out some kind of non-answer. I don’t mean to, but I really don’t know what to say. I have somewhat of an idea of my real answers, but they’re so complex and, for some reason, really overwhelming.

The truth is, I landed in China four years ago almost to the day, right after I’d graduated, without any clue what to expect. I had next to no experience with the real world, and I had really next to no interest in China. I mean, I would keep up with it in the news, and I felt like I had a somewhat better idea than all the Western reporters reporting on it of what China was about and where it was coming from, even though I’d only been once, on a whirlwind tour. But by virtue of being Chinese-American and growing up in a (not even particularly) Chinese family, I could sense deep down an understanding, even if I couldn’t articulate it, of what it was that seemed to confuse so many about China. And to be honest, I still feel that way. But did I ever look to China and think, “Wow, China, you are so fascinating!”? Not really! I only took Mandarin courses as an elective (which maybe shows some of my interest), and I tried to take Asian Politics, but that was always full or didn’t fit my schedule. I was not what you’d call a China hand or a China watcher.

To be fair, up until that point, international travel was like a pipe dream. I wanted so badly to study abroad during college, but it was expensive and kind of a hassle. So it was no wonder that I never considered working abroad — that is, until it was the second semester of senior year, and I had no idea what to do after graduation. None of the job prospects in front of me seemed exciting at all, and I just knew I didn’t have it in me to start as a small town reporter. When the J-school posted an opportunity for a summer internship in China, I ignored it at first, like I had learned to do for all things abroad. But when I saw the posting about the looming deadline for applications, something just clicked. I knew it was mine if I wanted it. And I wanted it. And I got it. And three months later, I left for China.

In a lot of ways, I am lucky that I landed in China. I know that I would’ve enjoyed just about any place I landed in, had I found some other job in another country, but it’s hard to imagine that I would have stayed as long as I have in China or found it as fascinating. What was supposed to be a three-month summer fling turned into a four-years-and-counting serious relationship. While the reason I haven’t left is a mixture of feasibility (I’m looking at you, lack of jobs) and stasis (I’ve become quite comfortable here), the main reason I choose to stay is that I like it too damn much. Now that I’ve traveled to more places, I know that I feel a connection with China that isn’t there when I visit other countries. It helps that I’m Chinese-American, but I think the connection is really important to helping me see and understand what’s going on around me.

Being back in the U.S., and seeing how things are still about as I left them, I just know that I’m not really missing out on much. I know the U.S. well enough because I was born and raised there. It would take another lifetime to uncover all of China’s secrets, but that’s not really my intent. I don’t think I’m learning anything life-changing — actually, I guess many things about China have changed me, but none of them were necessary. So I guess this experience in China isn’t exactly necessary, for me or for anyone else in the world, which kind of trivializes it in a way that upsets me. Because I wouldn’t trade it for a cushy, high-paying, career-focused job in the U.S. or a law degree or any other tangible achievements that I would like to have but don’t because I’ve been screwing around in China. It is, however, my goal now to turn this intangible experience into something worthwhile for others. It would be amazing for me if I could use what I’ve learned these past four years in the future; it’d be a waste not to. I don’t mean that the past four years would be a waste personally, but that it could be useful and so not using it would be a waste. But whether anyone will have any use for this alleged “deeper understanding of another (not just any other, but a pretty powerful) country and culture” is a very open question.